That feeling in your chest

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Eisielae's avatar
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Its been some time since I've done a journal entry, and i apologize greatly for that. I've been so caught up in everything else that has been going on in my personal life that I all but forgot about DA there for a little while, regardless of my constant promises of returning soon. Things get in the way a lot, but I am now on every few days... most likely more often now that I have no other priorities in my life other than work and trying to save enough to get a new place to live. So, here I will be. In the Cafe or else where but I will be here.

Things went south.. very south... with my previous living accommodations and as if it wasn't enough i lost the one man that I thought I could make it through very nearly anything with today. It was probably my own doing, as he has told me several times before. Things tend to go that way. I either panic and end it before things get too serious because im scared or I cling too tightly to that which I want, cannot have, and should not that it all comes crashing down under the pressure of my own selfishness. That's the way it seems anyway. Maybe its the heart ache speaking. The repeating nagging words that he spoke to me last only hours ago... I wish it didn't end the way it did. But then I stop and think maybe it was for the best. Maybe we just weren't good for each other. Then again I stop and think about how I had actually considered spending the rest of my life with him... Sitting here alone in this small room at my grandparent's house I almost want to go and beat down his door and beg him to forgive me for whatever wrong I did and to help me fix it. I know why he was upset with me. I know he felt that what I thought was okay wasn't. But what I don't know is if I could live with that kind of constant watch and isolation. I don't know if I could truly make him happy and keep him that way while doing the same for myself. So many mixed emotions and i feel like my chest is being destroyed and having my heart ripped out.

I know that if he finds and reads this he wont believe a word it says... But I loved him more than anything and he meant the world to me. I gave up. I let go. I hit my end, my limits, and couldnt go on anymore like we were. Fine a day or two, yelling and screaming the next day or two. Neither of us were ok... both of us have some growing up to do... a lot really. so... just maybe some time down the road he will be able to forgive me for giving up and giving in. For not having it in me to fight anymore in multiple senses of the word.

From the bottom of my heart I want to say im sorry, and, by some chance that you decide to look for me more like you have been and reads this, that I love you.
© 2015 - 2024 Eisielae
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Psykan's avatar
I know how this kind of battle felt - not the "romantic circumstances" you described here, but what you said about your fear and how it took hold of you.  I also remember how it felt to have so much internal conflict as a result of something bad that had happened, as I'm seeing here.  I've freed myself of all that, but that also means I can personally attest to just how difficult it can be - for many people, it's possible the most difficult personal trial they could ever face.  I won't go into any of my own story here - you can actually find all of that on my dA page, in my recent journals and a couple of my submissions.  The one thing I'll say here is that if you need some support, I'll be more than willing to lend an arm.

I stand on my own two feet and walk my own path, effectively defying every "standard" in today's society - if you can imagine just how much strength (in every human aspect of the word) it requires to do this, then you'll have an idea what kind of strength I lend to others who are still struggling the way I was.

That's the kind of strength I'll lend to you as well, if you'd like.  c: